I cried today. “Not every day is like this.” I chant to myself. I sometimes have to lock myself in the bathroom so I can lose my cool there. The last thing I want is for the kids to see me like that.


Having a Cesarian is the Easy Way Out..

What it is like to have a c-section.

Giving birth is a beautiful and emotional event in any parent’s life. It is a miracle and every mom wants it to be perfect.

I remember my first born, a normal healthy pregnancy. Planning for delivery and making sure I had everything needed for a regular birthing process. Nothing prepared me for what I was going to go through.

The process started normal, contracting regularly, I would walk around, to get the “mucus plug” out, as well as lightly bounce on an exercise ball to get the process moving.

The plug came out but I wasn’t contracting consistently anymore and it concerned my OB. He decided to have me lay so we could get a fetal heart rate and gave me a boost on my contractions with pitocin.

As the contractions got harder and longer, I got to 4cm dilated. My baby girl was moving around like crazy, they couldn’t get a HR at all on her. An hour and a half passed and still at 4cm, so the dosage was upped. Another hour and still no dilation, still no FHR on baby due to her moving.

This concerned the OB even more. It seemed as though the baby was in some kind of distress. After 40 minutes of waiting and painful contractions he announced that we would need to go through an emergency cesarian.

I was horrified, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. He explained that the baby is in distress and that my body was no longer dilating. I had to make a decision, stress the baby more and keep trying, or have a c-section and get her out safely.

Of course, what new mother would want to put their baby through potential danger? I chose her safety, cesarian it was.

After all the prepping I tried my best to look on the bright side. I no longer had agonizing contractions and my baby girl will be in my arms soon enough.

To describe the feeling, it was like someone was pushing on your body but all you could feel was your body shaking and pressure. The sucking noise was similar to the dental sucking tool. The sound of organs moving around was most disturbing to me.

This was the first surgery I had ever had in my life. I can’t remember if her dad was in the room with me because I was on so many drugs. All this and praying my baby was ok.

After what seemed like 4 hours, I finally heard the loudest baby cry I had ever heard. (Mom said she could hear her in the waiting room) It was instant relief for me to hear her. After they wrapped her up they brought her to me and I got to look at those beautiful slate colored eyes I had been waiting for. She was perfect, I didn’t want to let her go.

After I was all stitched up, I was laid onto a hospital bed and scooted to my room. I had these weird leg compressors that helped blood flow through my ever so numb legs. No matter how hard I tried to wiggle a toe, I absolutely couldn’t. It was the weirdest feeling I had ever had. By then her Dad was in the room with me and we waited for our new precious baby to be brought in.

The moment arrived, she was in our arms and healthy as can be. Safe and sound, such a blessing to have. At this point I was so thankful for the technology we have today, the ending may not have been so happy.

The hardest part of a c-section.. The healing. Everyone heals at a different rate, but know this.. Being cut open through your muscles is one thing that limits your movement a while after. Imagine while your husband is working all day and you can ONLY lift the baby. No dishes (sounds great right?), no walking other than to the rest room, or to get something to eat. Even then every time you get up there is excruciating pain. You are pretty much bed ridden for at the very least 4 days, sometimes longer for some. Even then you aren’t able to lift anything but the baby until your doctor says. Going to Walmart? You have to use a scooter cart, you can’t walk for very long without being in agonizing pain. You are literally crippled for at least 3 weeks. Like I said, some heal faster, so those that take longer aren’t weak by any means.

Due to this first c-section and the painful recovery, we tried really hard to have a vaginal birth known as a VBAC with our second child. We rushed in after my water broke with him. My body again refused to dilate this time we tried using a balloon like device to get my cervix to dilate with no luck.

It got to the point where every time I contracted his heart rate would drop dangerously low. Turns out, he had the cord around his neck. Our second, born via C-section. That time I knew for sure their dad was there with me.

The same process took place as above only this time I had gotten a cough before leaving the hospital. Every coughing fit was like my guts were going to tear open and fall to the floor. A pillow was my best friend. I cried wishing I could have had a successful vaginal birth, but thankful he was safe and sleeping right next to me. Imagine what might have happened if it weren’t for the the technology today.

Almost three years later and our third and final baby will be born in a week and a half. This time there is no option for a safe vaginal birth. We have accepted the fact that my body just doesn’t like birthing and I decided to tie my tubes since I am getting a c-section already. It makes me nervous to think of how painful this recovery is going to be.

It is a slap in the face to be told it is “the easy way out”. Though it is upsetting to hear, I would never wish it upon someone.

I have been told by moms who have had a vaginal birth, then had to have a cesarian with the next, that it is not at all easier. They said if they could help it they would never get a c-section.

This is a fact, even my own OB has stated that c-sections are NOT easier, or an easy way out. The recovery is a hard and painful road. It is never a choice, it is something that is just NEEDED at times.

If a mother is given a choice between life and death for her and baby, she will choose life.. That is what a cesarian is there for. Not because it is “easier”..

Thanks for reading!


A Dance

Swaying with emotions to the beat,

so powerful it had lifted me from my seat.

Swirling and toes pointed until they meet,

so pleasing I do all the work with my feet.


Elegance in motion so very sublime,

Each move planed out landing on time.

Preciously blending together like a rhyme,

a sound as true as a beautiful paradigm.

Easy to Make Alfredo Sauce

Kangen Water

5 medium roasted garlic cloves

1 pt 30% whipping cream

2 egg yolks

1 cup Monterey Jack cheese

1 cup Asiago Parmesan cheese

2 tsp fresh parsley


Cracked pepper

Kangen Water


Preheat oven to 350 degrees, rinse garlic bulb, place in preheated oven for approximately 45 minutes until squishy. While waiting shred the cheeses to one cup each. ( start prepping meat,veggies, or both) In an UNHEATED large sauce pan pour pint of cream into pan. Add two yolks and gently stir in until combined. (Don’t over stir!) pull out garlic. (Start noodles, while waiting for garlic to cool, do not cool in fridge) It must be cool enough to pull apart without burning your hands please! Peel 5 medium cloves, dice and put in sauce. Turn heat to 3 and stir gently until sauce starts to steam. Slowly stir in 1cup Monterey Jack cheese, and 1 cup parm. Add parsley. Turn heat up to 4, continuously stirr gently until sauce thickens. Add salt/ cracked pepper to taste. Remove from heat and set aside, finish meat/veggies, noodles and enjoy!! Serves about 4.


The world is a blur to me,

I shake and shiver with worry.

It does not make sense to you,

It makes none to me too.

I pick my lips, bite my cheek,

due to my brain being a freak.

Just that I have no control,

for that, I look down on my soul.

Kangen Water

I look at myself in disgust,

and ask is it myself I can trust?

I second guess all that I do,

afraid that I’ll lose to you.

Why is it my brain can’t see,

how ridiculous it can be.

Am I just a complete hot mess,

or is it that I am put to the test?


A beautiful quail on a branch near by,

she’s perched there crying “chi-ca-go”.

while there’s a hawk circling the sky,

she cries out once more “chi-ca-go”.


Across the way is her handsome mate,

to her nervously  he’s saying  “be-care-ful”.

“Pit-pit” he calls at an alarming rate,

Then again he says to her “be-care-ful”.


A great grey chest takes to the air,

shortly she follows crying “chi-ca-go”.

Grasped in talons, one from the pair,

she repeatedly screeches “chi-ca-go”.


Frightened and heartbroken she mourns,

crying out to him constantly, “where’d-ya-go”.

Into the rose bush with prickly thorns,

taking cover as she’s hiccuping  “where’d-ya-go”.

Close Your Eyes

Close your eyes and picture,

The breeze light and warm.

Close your eyes and picture,

A towering snow capped form.


Close your eyes and picture,

The grass tickling as it sways.

Close your eyes and picture,

Fragrant flowers beneath sun rays.


Close your eyes and picture,

The sound of a brook whispering.

Close your eyes and picture,

A story it tells as you’re  listening.


Close your eyes and picture,

Birds singing soft as a yawn.

Close your eyes and picture,

A doe licking her new fawn.


Close your eyes and picture,

The the world like this at peace.

Close your eyes and picture,

A life of enjoyment and ease.



This is a place I go for when my anxiety gets in the way. I just picture this place.

A.D.H.D Poem

A poem I want to write,

And that is what I’ll do.

I’ll write about my A.D.H.D,

Share a thing or two.

Every single day is a struggle,

Sticking to a simple task.

And if I should get distracted,

“What was I doing!” I’ll ask.

People say that it’s made up,

But to me it’s very real.

It is no joke though I wish,

Wait what’s that a seal?

It runs my life unfortunately.

And should I be occupied,

There is no talking to me.

I can’t stray or it’ll slip my mind.


I am invisible no one sees my talent.

I try and pry and sing till I’m blue,

Yet I am invisible no one sees me.

I sing and bring what I can afford.

I am invisible no one sees my talent.

I slave and brave anxiety for you,

yet I am invisible no one sees me.


For those struggling with this same problem, keep trying!


My Husband


Stop all this sorrow my dear,
There's much we have to do.
Stop all this sorrow my dear,
There's family here who adores you.

Please my love dry your eyes,
Our lives have only just begun.
Please my love dry your eyes,
Our future holds much fun.

Think my love of growing older,
How we cried at each kid's wedding.
Think my love of growing older,
How we attended every birth setting.

Imagine how proud we'll be sweetheart,
When we pass on our story of pain.
Imagine how proud we'll be sweetheart,
When we pass on our story they'll gain.

Stop all this madness my husband,
The best part hasn't happened yet.
Stop all this madness my husband,
The future holds greatness, it's set.

*To my husband, I know depression can be overbearing but I PROMISE it will pass, you have me and our two children that love you and will ALWAYS be here for you.*

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